Available on Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/Image-Our-Heavenly-Parents-Creating/dp/099860528X
As a (perpetually) single woman in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (CoJC), my relationship with the subject of marriage has been admittedly turbulent and frequently perplexing. I was deeply fortunate to grow up surrounded by dozens of wonderful examples of fulfilling, joyful marriages between active members of the CoJC who viewed each other, unquestionably, as equal partners. Because of my proximity to so many high-quality, covenant-keeping relationships, I naturally assumed this was the norm. I figured it was only a matter of time (and a short time, I assumed) until I found my perfect match and embarked on a similar marital journey, as so many of my loved ones had already done before me.
My decade-plus of singleness has included many periods of intense anxiety and depression associated with my relationship status. Over time, I came to realize many of my deepest struggles with the topic stemmed from having created an idol of marriage. I found myself worshiping and seeking it above all else, including God. Following this realization, I proactively attempted to realign my priorities appropriately (which could be an entire essay in and of itself). Specifically, I sought to reassert my relationship with God above all else, to let nothing come before Him in terms of my attention, time, and efforts. As I worked through this process, I began to find a kind of peace that had previously eluded me. It has taken a lot of time and effort, but I eventually came to a place where I was ready to reengage with the topic of marriage but to do so from a healthier and more holistic perspective. While recognizing no one is guaranteed the opportunity to be married in this life, each of us should seek to prepare ourselves for an eternal marriage. An eternal marriage is one of the many promised blessings of a celestial life, meaning it will be offered (whether in this life or the next) to those who strive to develop and maintain a relationship with God through our Redeemer, Jesus Christ, and remain on the covenant path. While it remains to be seen whether I will marry during my mortal experience, I still feel it is vitally important for me to study marriage as an institution, as well as best practices within marital relationships. Through this kind of study, I can prepare myself for future relational opportunities, whenever those may present themselves in my mortal or post-mortal life.
McArthur Krishna and Bethany Brady Spalding openly address the fact their self-proclaimed guidebook (one may also refer to it as a workbook, as there are spaces for writing within the book itself), In the Image of our Heavenly Parents: A Couple’s Guide to Creating a More Divine Marriage, is intended for a very narrow audience (in their words “heterosexual, married Latter-day Saints”). They state upfront “this book is not for everyone”. And that is okay. But I also recognize that with some creative thinking and mental flexibility, even individuals not within the intended audience may be able to draw valuable insights and personal applications from this guide. The book is cram-packed with prophetic counsel and research-based advice for couples. Much of the counsel and advice may also apply to other types of interpersonal relationships, such as family relations or friendships (for example how to create a vision for a relationship, value growth in each other, and handle conflict, among other ideas).
The book is centered around 12 principles for creating a more divine marriage, as crafted from a combination of prophetic counsel as well as professional insights from licensed LDS therapists (Dr. Jennifer Finlayson-Fife; Dr. Julie Hanks; Dr. Ty Mansfield; Geoff Steurer, LMFT; and Jody Steurer).
Each section is structured in a manner that is easy to follow and digest:
- The principle, written as a declarative statement
- Selections of associated prophetic counsel
- Tailored professional expertise from an LDS therapist
- Multiple practical exercises for understanding and applying the principle
Readers will find that while there are many citations from more main-stream CoJC sources, such as current members of the First Presidency and Quorum of the Twelve, there is a refreshing number of lesser well-known citations from a variety of other members, associates, and figures from the CoJC (both past and present). I was particularly pleased to see several quotes attributed to influential LDS women, such as Susa Young Gates and Sharon Eubank. The depth and breadth of the sources referenced within the guidebook indicated the editors and contributing therapists have done an impressive amount of groundwork to help provide resources and guidance for readers. Sources range from General Conference addresses and church school magazine articles to prestigious academic and research journals. The balance struck between what one could arguably call the secular vs the religious sources is well maintained throughout. It is a beautiful example of learning by study and also by faith. The practical exercises include a range of activities from brain-storming and journaling to role-playing, working through discussion questions as a couple, and practices for improving physical connection. The editors suggest that couples could invest up to a year or more slowly working their way together through all the materials within the 100-ish page book. Couples could also take a quick peek at the 12 principles listed in the table of contents and instead pick one or two principles they think they most need to work on. The guidebook is versatile in the way it can be incorporated into each couple’s lives, programs of study, or applications for self-improvement.
As a single woman, I went through the various practice sections looking for exercises that could be easily tailored to an individual. I also used exercises intended for couples to prepare myself for potential activities and questions to utilize on dates as appropriate. I found that imagining myself working through a particular exercise with a future spouse brought up topics that I should focus on addressing earlier on in my dating process than I necessarily would have imagined. For example, Practice #2 under Principle 11 (“We create mutual physical pleasure and nurturance.”) suggests experimenting with hugging, to focus on learning how to calm your mind and body when embracing your partner. I started to realize that this practice would also be very appropriate within a serious dating relationship. If I was considering the possibility of spending my life with someone, I would need to gauge my ability to be comfortable with them physically in a way that aligned with the covenants I have made regarding sexual purity. This suggested exercise appears to offer such an opportunity.
While working my way through the materials, I did find that I tended to gravitate towards certain therapists more than others. One of the major strengths of this guidebook is the variety of different voices within it. As readers find whose style or insights they find themselves drawn towards, the book also provides information on where to find more materials by each therapist. Having discovered an affinity for Dr. Finlayson-Fife’s style and perspectives, I went and found her on social media and began listening to her podcast, which provided additional insights into various aspects of relationships, including singlehood, that I found personally very helpful. The guidebook can serve as a springboard for individuals and couples to continue a life-long pursuit of self- and relational improvement by introducing them to more materials and resources. After all, knowledge is power, but more than half the battle is knowing where to find vetted information and trustworthy expertise to begin with.
A caution for potential readers would be to set your expectations to an appropriate level. This guidebook can be an incredible resource, even for singles. However, if a couple wishes to use it, each individual within the couple must be willing to engage with the material and seek to match the energy of their partner. If one partner is more invested and more dedicated to following through, the guidebook could become a source of additional contention and stress. It would be appropriate to talk through expectations beforehand for this very reason. One partner should not be forcing this upon another. The guidebook will not be an instant solution or a one-stop-fix for marital conflict but it has the potential to be a great catalyst for positive change when both individuals are actively and willingly participating.
To leave you with a small sampling of some of the wonderful thoughtfuls within the guidebook, below you will find some of my favorite quotations (in no particular order) from the “Prophetic Counsel” section of various principles.
I found the guidebook engaging, enlightening, and encouraging; I hope others will feel the same!
Some Prophetic Counsel Quotations
“Temple marriage covenants do not magically bring equality to a partnership. Those covenants commit us to a development process of learning and growing together - by practice. … But equal partnerships are not made in heaven - they are made on earth, one choice at a time, one conversation at a time, one threshold crossing at a time.” -Elder Bruce C. & Marie K. Hafen [1]
“[It is] the eternal truth that men’s and women’s innate differences are God given and equally valued.” -President Jean B. Bingham [2]
“The spiritual characteristics we inherit from our heavenly parents have to be developed. … They are within you, but you have to choose to cultivate and develop them.” -President Elaine L. Jack [3]
“...none of us marry perfection; we marry potential. The right marriage is not only about what I want; it’s also about what she - who’s going to be my companion - wants and needs me to be.” -Elder Robert D. Hales [4]
“Equal partnership yields its greatest benefit when both husband and wife seek the will of the Lord in making important decisions for themselves and for their family.” -Elder Richard G. Scott [5]
“When you as husband and wife recognize the divine design in your union - when you feel deeply that God has brought you to each other - your vision will be expanded and your understanding enhanced.” -Prophet Russell M. Nelson [6]
“Every one of our paths is different, yet we walk them together. Our path is not about what we have done or where we have been; it is about where we are going and what we are becoming, in unity.” -Sister Reyna I. Aburto [7]
“...it is a transition from self-interest and ‘worried about me’ to worrying about the unit. And basically we’re saying in our sealed divine unit, ‘I trust you and I have your best interest at heart and I will be your advocate. I will look out for you. And I will look for your greatest good.” -Sister Sharon Eubank [8]
NOTES:
[1] Bruce C. and Marie K. Hafen, “Crossing Thresholds and Becoming Equal Partners,” Ensign, August 2007. [Back to manuscript].
[2] Jean B. Bingham, “United in Accomplishing God’s Work,” April 2020 general conference. [Back to manuscript].
[3] Elaine L. Jack, “Identity of a Young Woman,” October 1989 general conference. [Back to manuscript].
[4] Robert D. Hales, “Meeting the Challenges of Today’s World,” October 2015 general conference. [Back to manuscript].
[5] Richard G. Scott, “Honor the Priesthood and Use It Well,” October 2008 general conference. [Back to manuscript].
[6] Russell M. Nelson, “Nurturing Marriage,” April 2006 general conference.
[Back to manuscript].
[7] Reyna I. Aburto, “With One Accord,” April 2018 general conference.
[Back to manuscript].
[8] Sharon Eubank, “This is A Woman’s Church,” 2014 FAIR Conference.
[Back to manuscript].
Full Citation for this Article: Ashley, Alley (2023) "Book Review: “In the Image of our Heavenly Parents: A Couple’s Guide to Creating a More Divine Marriage” edited by McArthur Krishna & Bethany Brady Spalding," SquareTwo, Vol. 16 No. 3 (Fall 2023), http://squaretwo.org/Sq2ArticleAlleyDivineMarriage.html, accessed <give access date>.
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